I’m trying something new here. Comics have been difficult for me to write. Crafting words which match images has been hard when I don’t have any images for my words. But I think I have some words. I’ve started a twitter as well, over here.
I think many people who found my comics did so through my diary comics about gender and transition. And I’ve had little to say on that front for a long time now. I have a lot of narratives in my head that relate to who I am as a person. I tend to be critical of the person I became post-transition. For all of the joy and revelation of realizing that I was trans, on the other side of that leap has been more difficult questions about who I want to be as an adult.
It’s clearer now that much of my plans and goals pre-quarantine were based on community support which I took for granted as the city shut down. I was changing, and I didn’t know how else to handle that but isolate. It can feel like concurrent tensions within me of hiding and wanting to impress. Being a public presence has felt excruciating at times, but it’s how I’ve grown, and I continue to be in dialogue with my younger self when I get stuck. I’m grateful for the time and space I’ve had to myself this year, I think it’s allowed me to safely explore bigger questions as to what I want and the direction of my life. I don’t know where I’m going, but I have a sense of purpose and momentum which is new to me.
As for what’s next, I’m still rebuilding. My life has been slow and small changes are about what I can handle for now. I miss drawing comics but I may stick to writing, this seems closer to how my mind works right now.
Sandra Brodsky 